This Past Week

This past week has been a roller coaster compared to everything else. A lot has been learned but a lot more has to be learned. I am nowhere near the man I want to be, but I have come a long way from where I was. Do I know what I have to do? Yes. Will it take time? Yes. But are they worth it in the long run? Without a doubt.

The problem is that I am not sure I can do it alone. I know I can do a lot alone, but there are some things I know I can’t do. Can it be worked out besides with time? I’ll pray on it.

A Clean Slate

Today starts a new month, and therefore I think there should be some changes made to myself. I thought that I had changed for the better but what I discovered was that it wasn’t enough. This month will be dedicated to admitting my problems and fixing them. Now obviously outside of this month I plan on doing things for myself and to better myself but starting today is when it really kicks in.

Like I said, I thought that I had moved past where I was. But it does not seem like that is so. I thought I could be friends with an ex but seeing her just does things to me. I tried to change things that I knew I couldn’t change. And I tried to push things that should not of been pushed. So from that experience I think it’s best for me to just care about the things that I can change. Not needing to worry about the things that are not changeable. I need to start enjoying the things that I have now rather than trying to enjoy the things that I want. I have always been told that I should go after what I want, but there are some instances where what you want and what you can have our two totally different things.

Now I would not say that I have a drinking problem, but I would say that I like to drink in excess when I do drink. Once I start I just kinda keep going with it and that is obviously not something that needs to happen. So for the entire month of April I am not going to drink once. Will it be difficult? Of course, but I think it is something that needs to be done. I will have to find something else to do. Maybe I will start to take some day trips somewhere.

I should speak my mind more often, and tell things upfront that I usually do not say. I’m going to work on not holding things in and saying them when they need to be said. I am going to stop trying to rush everything that I do. I just need to sit back and relax and let things happen.

I know what I need to change. And I know what I need to do to fix the things that I have not done correctly in the past. I just want to thank God for giving the chance to work on these things. He has a plan and I just need to follow it. I hope in reading this you decide to find something to work on as well.

Lying Game

You know the person with whom you are talking to is lying. Do you confront them or let them continue?

Well I am pretty sure that everyone in the world has told a lie or two in their day. Simple white lies aren’t the end of the world. It’s when someone continually makes lies up in their head to the point that they believe it is true, that is the problem. It’s even more of a problem when the person they are talking to knows that it is a lie. The question is never do you confront them, but when. If I know someone is lying right off the bat, I am going to let them dig themselves into a hole. One where I can make sure they feel terrible about when it’s time to make it known. Does that make me a bad person? Not at all. Karma is a bitch and if you are going to lie to my face then I am going to make you feel bad down the road. Sometimes I am too trusting of people, maybe that’s how I was raised to be. To give everyone a chance and sometimes a second one if I think that it is deserved. But after that, there really is no use. If you can continually lie to someone then you don’t care about them, then why would you want to keep around people that aren’t going to make you better? People that drag you down with lies and shitty attitudes.
But to answer the prompt, I wait when I know someone is lying, I wait until the perfect moment when I can crush them and everything that they have told me. Don’t mistake my politeness for weakness, because it can change very quickly if I know what’s up.

I’d Tell You This

I can’t go into this right now, but if I could, it’d tell you this…

You deserve the best and that is what I want to be. You are amazing and I want to be there, whenever it might be.

*let me know if I should tell you the rest.

The One That Got Away

Write a love letter to the one that got away

Baby,

Please give me another shot to make it right. I should never have let you go and I do not know what to do without you. We had some of the best times ever and I do not think its possible to move on without you. This past summer, meeting you at the beach was amazing and you leaving without me getting to say goodbye was not fair. Each time we kissed and got to lay out on the beach watching the sunset and sunrise, it was magic.
Every time I saw you it made my heartbeat pick up and the adventures we took, you can’t recreate them. Watching you dance on the floor and all the guys watching but I got to say “she’s mine”. Waking up in the morning with you cooking breakfast in one of my t-shirts and nothing else on. The perfect picture. Please come back to me, because it wasn’t time for us to leave each other. We can make it work, we just have to try.

Always Yours,
Zach

I do not know if this really works, but it will have to do. Writing to someone that got away doesn’t make much sense, unless they contact you first.

Yeah, I Kept It

What you’ve kept…

I keep things sometimes that I should throw away, but I am pretty sure everyone does that. But there is a line between keeping stuff and hoarding stuff, and I have seen first hand what hoarding looks like, and it is bad. Piles and piles if stuff, just stuff. Things of no use that are outdated and useless. Not all things that are outdated are useless though.
One thing that I kept, which I recently discovered while moving, was a large stash of old notes and letter that had been passes back and forth in school and in mailboxes. I had completely forgotten that I had this and honesty thought that they had been thrown away a long time ago.
Yes I did open a few of them just to see what young high school me was like. It was like looking back through a time machine. I could actually picture myself writing and passing these in class. Leaving them under desks and books for someone to pick up and write back. This was right before every kid out there had a cell phone, and the ones available were too big to hide anyways haha.
Why did I keep them? Who knows. For fun or for some other reason? We might never know, but I can say that 9 years later I still have notes from freshman year of high school, and some things never change.

Felt That Way

I have never felt this way before or since…

There are multiple feelings that you only experience once in a lifetime. Feelings of such magnitude that there is no way to replicate it. A feeling that I am not sure will happen again for me, at least the way it happened before.
I am talking about “that feeling”, the feeling of wonderment and amazement. This feeling came last summer while on a trip to Washington DC. I already knew it was someone special but I remember the exact moment where “that feeling” hit me. We were walking from monument to monument one night on a tour and we were getting close to the end. We sat down by the tidal basin on the Potomac River and just chatted. Then we started walking to the MLK Jr memorial and as we held has it hit me. It hit me that this was what I had been looking for. Someone to hold hands with as we walked and talked. Someone to just enjoy the simplest thing in thing in the world. “That feeling” hit me at that exact moment and I liked how it felt. I had never felt something that real, something that exciting that my heart rate picked up and I got nervous about how it really felt. I got butterflies in my stomach and kinda went quiet cause I wasn’t sure what to say. I did not want that moment to end, I wanted a snapshot of it for later. I got so nervous about it though that I quit holding her hand, not cause I wanted to, but because I wasn’t sure if I was shaking or sweating and I didn’t want to embarrass myself. I should have never let go of her hand. That was my first mistake. It was a perfect moment in my eyes and like the title says, I haven’t felt that way since.

A BIG Lie

The biggest lie anyone told you…

When thinking about this topic, I cannot think if a single lie that stands out above the rest. What does come to mind is a lie that people use all the time, a lie that they say just because they think it will make the person they are talking to feel better. Anyone want to guess what that lie is?

“It’s going to be okay/fine, don’t worry.”

That line right there is the biggest crock of shit ever. Because guess what? You do not know if it’s going to be okay. You say that to someone when you think it will help to say the minimum. Do you know why is a huge lie? Because you do not know what is going on inside that person. What is going on fully in the situation, and most importantly, you don’t know the future. It is human nature to worry about things, especially the things that they think they can change, or think they can change. I cannot tell you how many times I have been told that line by someone and known that that wasn’t true. Now every once in awhile people will say that and actually mean and know what they say. But for the most part, it’s a lie.

In A Year

Where will you be exactly one year from now?

A year from now? Who knows where I might be. There are so many options out there that I honestly do not know where I might be. Why try and make plans for something that far in the future? I tried that recently and it came back to bite me and honestly it did not feel good at all. So why try and do it again? Why not live life one day at a time? Live life and try not to look too far ahead.
But if I had to make up something on how my life might be I would like for it to be something good. No, something great. A year from now I would like to me married, or at least engaged. Starting my life off with someone special and planning out everything that will happen down the road. Would I like to still be doing what I am right now? Hmmm maybe. I have enjoyed it so far but I need to get better at it. And once I get to that point I think everything else will fall into place. A year from now is a long time away but I have big plans for what is coming. I just hope they pan out the way that I want them to. And I can’t wait to see if the future turns out the way I have planned. We shall see though.

Old Men

Never underestimate the lives of old men sitting on park benches.

You should really underestimate the life of any person if you think about it. Because if you do, you are judging them on appearance and that’s not a good way to do things. You should really not judge the life of someone older than you because there is no telling what they might have done in all their years here on earth. He could be a war hero, an old movie star, a Nobel peace prize winner. You will never know if you do not actually walk up to them and have a conversation. Hell, that person could be nothing more than a father to a few and a grandfather to several more and there is nothing wrong with that because that means he has live a good, successful life thus far and is still going at it every day. And if he is sitting on a park bench, maybe he is just enjoying his life so far. Maybe he is enjoying a memory that took place in that very spot. Never judge someone just by looking at them. Give them a chance and they just might surprise you.